When the Dream Becomes Reality

Dreaming it is much easier than living it, but not nearly as fun.

Well, I did it. I fullilled a 30+ year dream and I have integrated it into my life. I built a small house on wheels so that I may travel around on a whim and explore to my heart's desire. Acknowledging my dual desires of both a homebody and wanderer, this seemed like the ideal approach. Dreaming about something is one thing. Simply talkning about it excites and impresses. Actually doing that something is a whole other thing entirely.  In fact, it is scary as fuck.  In so many of the ways.  But when we have a calling, we listen to the calling, not to the fears.  Easy said.  Not as easily done, but doable and unbelievably rewarding when we can pull it off. Dreams a way easier than reality, but they are not as fun.

I now have a camper van. By waiting for decades I was in a place where I could made it exactly what I thought I wanted. More on that later as less truly can be more. It was 15 monhts of research and study and another 12 months of decision making, building and waiting. But now it is here. Shit! What have a done?? This is real. I have this insanely expensive and complex machine that looks, and is, extremely cool but requires a rediculous amount of learning, upkeep and constant decision making.

And using it is a whole other level of taping into one's insecurities, anxieties, yet to be discovered and developed abilities and the basic fears that can surround us if we let them. Where to go? When to go? Weather. Animals. Bathrooms. Aloneness. Dump Stations. Laundry. Getting stuck. Getting unstuck. Parking. Service. Peopling. Needing help. Driving long stretches alone. Body aches. Exhaustion. Fear of missing something. What to do. What to see.

Take a breath. One thing at a time. Well sometimes this machine in the wild requires more than one thing at a time but almost never all the things at once. So breathe.

Let me take a few steps back. I have owned my lovely little traveling home for about a year and a half now and I have put 15,000 miles on her - most of them on my own. We have had challenges, tears, cussing, and countless moments of beauty, discovery and joy. Some days, many days, I want to give her back. Except the days I am living in her. In our adventures together I have grown as a human. I have learned more than I could have realized was possible. I have been scared and pushed through. I have seen more beauty and know I will see so very much more. I have met beautful people. I have learned, bit by bit, to ask for and receive help. This may seem small, but for me, it is the greatest and most challenging of lessons.

I have taken her on nearby and far away adventures. I have traveled in all the seasons. I have been out for a quick weekend and a three month trek. I have traveled mostly alone but have enjoyed a few trips with my kids and a friend. I have visited old friends while out and about in her and have made many new friends. I have parked her and hoped on glider plane, a 100 year old schooner and a couple of trains. I have stashed her for a night to take respite in a hotel and an air bnb. There are no rules. There are countless opportunities and discoveries. I have parked her by rivers, lakes, in the middle of forests, on mountains, strangers yards, in cities and the middle of no where.

My first solo trip, after the trek home to Kansas City from Detroit where she was built was a weekend in February in Kansas. En route to my selected location, I encountered a sudden ice storm that had me driving compltely blind on an interstate that made me want to instantly give up after realizing I didn't die. But I did not. I forged on. I experienced utter fear in this case parking myself in a van, completely alone in a state park hours from anyone I know in the dead of winter and planning to sleep there in the pitch dark with all the new sounds.

However, in undertaking this seemingly irrational act, I observed some significant insights and gained knowledge along the way. First I had to deal with the heavy weight of the questions on repeat in my brain: "what have I done? who do I think I am? and why am I here in the middle of winter, all alone". The cold hard face of anxiety. For me, anxiety often manifests as clumsiness, stemming from my subconscious belief that I can outpace or outwork the anxiety – a notion that is always false. It also presents itself in the form of gastric discomfort and agitation, which, though unwelcome, persists. As I delve deeper into the fear, my chest tightens, representing a physical response to anxiety that cannot be rationalized away. I am experiencing fear. Ok. That is a fact with which I am dealing. So, how can its influence be diminished?

It is actually pretty simple, just hard to do. Acknowledge it openly. Embrace it. I managed to reach out to a couple of supportive and caring friends and confess my fear. Simply verbalizing it reduced the sense of unease. The supportive and wise words I received in return proved immensely beneficial, diverting my attention enough to focus on the fact that I was meant to be in that situation. A profoundly wise friend shared these exact words with me, "You are strong. You are safe. You are exactly where you should be." The impact of these words exceeded my expectations, leading me to a better state of mind and enabling me to enjoy my evening preparing dinner, cleaning up afterward, engaging in some reading, savoring a cup of tea, and easily drifting off to sleep around 9:30, waking up 9 hours later feeling content, secure, and rejuvenated. Oh, and proud. I felt a sense of pride! I took a significant stride toward living authentically and realizing my dream!!

Another observation.  I am a person who tends to struggle with focus.  Some will easily label this ADD/ADHD.  I don’t know about that and do not really care.  For me, my energy tends to take me in a lot of different directions. I have been wanting to focus more on some key functions and activities.  To that end, I have looked to reduce distraction in my life.  Living smaller in general and then even smaller in this tiny home on wheel.  I am observing how living in this small space naturally allows my brain to focus on each task.  Because everything is smaller, the focus in shorter but intense.  It feels wonderful.

Case in point, today I had a most restful and productive day.  I am stunned by this new information that restful and prodcutive are not mutually exclusive?  In fact they are perfect bedfellows. I slowly started my day with a cup of tea, wrote a couple of letters and listened to a podcast on bliss.  Then I decided to plan out my day focusing on the core components of a positive/meaningful day:

• Connection

• Movement

• Fueling the body, mind and soul

• Create

• Joy

• Meditation

• Self Care

I had the express intention to learn LuLu and her many functions and needs on this trip thus enhancing my confidence and comfort for future adventures.  I planned to complete a few hours of work on a new project I have just started. I wanted to hike.  I planned when it made sense to eat for the day based on my hunger and planned activities, I planned to read, watch, and be.  As I reflect on this day here is how it played out

1. Connection: wrote letters, texted with some friends, connected with myself, connected with nature and wildlife, connect with Lulu.

2. Movement: morning stretches, four mile hike, evening stretches

3. Fuel: fed my body amazing foods and beverages designed to fuel, balance and restore.  Fed my mind learning how to operate out of a van in the wilderness.  Fed my soul through connection to nature and living out my dream.

4. Create: I created wonderful meals in a small space.  I am creating a system in Lulu that will serve me and my desires.  It is a work in progress.

5. Joy: I caught myself smiling spontaneously many times throughout the day and took note of the things that cause me to just smile without thought.

6. Meditation: breathing exercises in the morning and on hike.  Hiking and being out in nature is a form of meditation for me.

7. Self-care: all of the things.

The temperature is finding its way back to a more normal February temperature as I write this outside by the water and my fingers are getting quite cold.  I would make a fire, but I forgot to pack matches or a lighters - ha so I will head back inside the comfort of my little LuLu where I will plan out my dinner and hopefully remember to open the air fan before I cook and avoid the smoke detector going off...again.  I am looking forward to hot tea, a little music, reading, preparing myself a meal, cleaning up after that meal and getting ready for a sleep out in the middle of Kansas on a cold February night.