No One Is Watching

As I move through this journey—both the long arc I’m on and the smaller one unfolding within it—I’m becoming more aware of how much I function for approval, validation, and acceptance.

I know this is a deeply human tendency. I really do. But still, I’m tired of it. I feel ready to shed it—or at least loosen its grip.

The pull of the “good girl” is real. That unconscious drive to be seen as kind, thoughtful, agreeable, generous. To be received well. To be liked. To be safe.

I find myself making decisions I think will earn me extra favor, as if there’s some invisible tally being kept somewhere—some system that will eventually grant me permanent status as a “good person,” an elevated human. Someone who rises above reproach.

The irony is, I make things harder on myself in the process. Because somewhere along the way, I internalized the belief that in order to be good enough, I also have to be better than. Better than what, exactly? I’m not even sure. Better than the flawed version of myself, maybe. Better than average. Better than mediocre.

But in reality? That means nothing. It’s just noise. What actually matters is being true to myself—while remaining considerate, or maybe simply aware, of how my actions ripple out around me.

That’s enough. It really is.

And yet, I still spend an inordinate amount of energy wondering how the random “other” might interpret my choices. What they’ll think of me. Then, I spend even more energy pretending I don’t care—that I’m totally free from needing anyone’s approval. That I’m just out here doing my own thing, untouched by judgment.

The crazy part? I am doing my own thing. I do move to my own rhythm. But I’m also acutely aware of how I might be perceived at any given moment.

And here is the rub... I’m so much more relaxed than I used to be.

This is me, improved.

The beautiful and maddening thing about growth is that as we step more fully into awareness—as we work to release the patterns shaped by trauma and over-adaptation—we start to recognize just how deeply those patterns live in us. They sneak into the tiniest decisions, the background hum of our thoughts.

And when we notice them—when we catch ourselves in the act of people-pleasing or self-correcting or judging—we sometimes feel like we’re regressing. But that noticing is growth. That’s the real work.

Sometimes it feels like we’re going backward simply because we’re finally paying attention.

So when I see these patterns in myself—when I recognize the part of me that still wants to be chosen, or praised, or unseen, depending on the hour—I try to remember: this is the work.

And honestly, it’s hard. It’s tiring. But it’s also proof that something is changing.

So today, I’ll try to live a little more honestly.

I’ll remind myself that no one around me is watching me as closely as I imagine they are. And if they are judging me? I won’t know, and it likely has little to do with me anyway.

Unless I’m out here being an intentional jerk (and let’s be real, that’s not my default), I’m probably okay.

You can’t live in a state of hyper-awareness your whole life and not be at least a little tuned in to others.

So today, I’ll go about my day and try to let it unfold. I’ll notice when I worry that I’m not attractive enough to take up space. I’ll notice when I fear being perceived as an ignorant American. And then I’ll practice—just practice—letting those thoughts pass through.

That’s my work for the day.

That, and to see beautiful things.